Some Day I Will

So.

2011 is almost over.

My plans?

Day-dream through the rest of my junior year.

Get my license; 

Get my car.

Take my SAT in the Spring.

Start my senior year.

Apply for colleges.

Get accepted somewhere.

Preferably Tarleton.

Finish my senior year, swiftly. 

Cry at graduation.

Because I've grown up with these people.

My brothers; My sisters.

Pack up. Leave.

Live with Miranda until we kill each other.

This is actually happening.

All those times I thought i would never make it.

Well, i made it.

It's almost over. My life is about to begin.

Where did 2001-2010 go?

Do i regret anything?

Yes, and no.

All those events have made me into the person i am.

I've learned a lot.

Some things the hard way.

I don't wish it on anyone.

I just know now what is and what isn't real.

I know now what it takes in life.

I know now that not all people can be trusted.

I know there's a fine line between love and hate.

Friends turn into enemies.

The love of your life turns into your greatest mistake.

But when one door closes,

Another one opens.

They call us love. And they're right.

In remembrance of 2011.

While He's Still Around

"Last night i heard my own heart beating, it sounded like footsteps on my stairs.Six months gone and I'm still reaching, even though i know you're not there."

What can i say? After all this time, i still miss you. I miss you. Yeah. A long time has passed hasn't it. I remember how it was. Everyone was laughing at us. Only because nothing like that had happened to them yet. We had. Something. Hard to reminisce. I've come to the conclusion that I've been waiting for you. Waiting. For you. To realize that you miss me. I know that we could work it out somehow. If you were here. If you didn't ignore my texts. If you didn't look at me with such hate. If you loved me, still, like you said you did before. When we were children. When we knew everything.

 Don't think i don't wonder 'bout what could have been, should have been all worked out.
I know what i felt and i know what i said. 

But don't think i don't think about it.

Winter Just Wasn't My Season

I type as if I'm playing piano. Think as if I'm singing. Write blogs as if I'm writing a song. For the world to sing. To understand this. The Human Condition. What we were, are, and always will be. Jealousy, Hatred, Hurt, Happiness, Love. We grasp onto something that we don't want, only because we think we can't get better. When really there are so many things better than what we have in our hands. Reaching for us. We just can't see. Maybe others see. They surely see. But this thing, this unhappiness that we grip, keeps us blind-folded. So many things we need to learn. We're too young to commit to something that has an ever changing mind. Too young to believe that what we cradle is the world, yet, just a grain of sand. There's a big, big world after high school. Just breathe. 

"And i feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd

'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud.

And I know that you'll use them, 

however you want to."

Everyday You Save My Life

"There's an old story. I don't know if it's true, but it goes like this.

Penguins mate for life. And there's a moment when some boy penguin is looking 

over that infinite expanse of black and white when one female penguin stands out. 

And he stands out to her. And then, well, that's it. 

Of all the penguins, these two are now together for life."

If such love exists. One for eternity. Fate. No second guessing. Love at first sight. Then, maybe, there's hope yet.

Maybe, just maybe, you're my penguin. 

It's Like This

It's a constant struggle. 

Everyday. 

Waking up.

Pretending to be something I'm not.

Today.

Today was the day I realized how

Truly unhappy I am.

How much I would rather be someone else.

Anyone else.

But I'm me.

And I hate it.

I hated how lazy I was being.

Getting fatter.

So I got up and cleaned.

My half of the room.

Sister's half.

Our bedroom

Washed clothes. 

Sat down, and felt empty.

Pitied myself. 

So tell me. How do you go about changing your attitude? How do you fix yourself when you know that how you are acting is hurting other people and you just don't care. How do you get past the childish behavior and grow up enough to make your causes your responsibility. Tell me this. How you get past blaming other people when it so obviously your fault. How do you cross that line between child to adult. How do you? Tell me, I'd really like to know. I'm tired of living the way I am.

You're In Ruins

I try not to take life too seriously right now. I mean, I take my future seriously. I'm worried about that, yes. But now? No, sir. There's always something, something to fix any situation. There's always an explanation for something. In a book, in your heart, in your understanding. There's always going to be violence. Kicking, Pushing, Biting. Life is going to go on, no matter what kind of trouble you get yourself in. Life, not necessarily the one you are living, though, will go on. Life is a series of unfortunate events, but in the end, peace is found.

"One of the most difficult things to think about in life is one's regrets. Something will happen to you, and you will do the wrong thing and for years afterward you will wish you had done something different." 

-Lemony Snicket

I'm A Dreamer

I'm tired of giving my all. All is not enough. Enough is being broken so you can use me. No. Enough is being walked on. No. I do not like enough. Me and you. Our story is done.

Over.

Goodbye.

I'm ready for that new chapter in my life. The one that will teach me to use my brain as my decision maker, other than my heart. I'm ready to stand on my own two feet. Ready to be me.

One Step Closer

Love is a miraculous thing. Even if you can't find it. It finds you. Sometimes it's not returned. Sometimes it's brought upon you unwanted. Sometimes it's hidden. Sometimes the shadow of love slips by unnoticed.

The love of an unborn child.

The love of first sight.

The love for a mother. For a father.

The love of a sister. Of a brother.

Family love.

The love of a best friend.

The love of a stranger.

The unwilling love.

The love that is forbidden.

The love i have for you.

I'll admit that it's hard for me to believe that love exists outside of commonly known admiration. I'll admit that it's hard for me to believe that any two people can stay together forever. I'll admit that I lie when I say I don't love you. Even if it's not the mature love of an adult, I know it's something. I know it's something that isn't returned. I know that I have to be brave for the sake of others. I know I have much responsibility. I know that you take all that weight off my shoulders.

"I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling, don't be afraid.

I have loved you for a thousand years. 

I'll love you for a thousand more."

Spotlight On The Lake

So.

I'm not really sure what to talk about today.

I just knew i needed to blog about something,

anything. Since i haven't.

 In forever.

So I'm very contempt with life right now. Boys are stupid. Always will be. Love doesn't exist. It never will. Yeah, optimism.

Who cares? Not me. I don't want anyone. I hate everyone, remember? I'm rude to everyone. I'm a fool. You're just as well.

When you see my face i hope it gives you hell.

I Promise To

I don't understand.

The thing about admiration is this: sometimes it's a one way road. Sometimes you can be completely above the clouds while the other person is still skipping on sidewalks. Lost in someone else's eyes. Oblivious. Or maybe they're aware but they just don't give a crap. I suspect the latter. 

So I guess I do understand.

Hear The Words I Need You To

Nothing's gonna change.

You're still the same.

Two different people.

One for me.

One for her.

More for her.

_

I want to sing a concert.

I want you front row, center.

So you'll hear all the songs i think of

When i think of you.

_

I want you to look at me.

Feel what i feel.

Listen to my heart.

Hurt like i hurt.

_

Call me a child.

Call me crazy.

Call me whatever you need to.

To make you feel better.

_

God knows you have no idea what you're doing.

Get out of this town.

Start your life.

Leave mine alone.

_ 

I hope you find it.

What you're looking for.

I hope it's everything you dreamed your life would be,

And so much more.

And i hope you're happy.

Wherever you are.

_

I wanted you to know that.

And nothing's gonna change that.

I hope you find it.

_

Your Best To Avoid Me

Every thing's cool, yeah.

It's all gonna be okay, yeah.

And i know,

Maybe I'll even laugh about it someday.

But not today, no.

I'm not going to lie. It hurts.

It hurts a lot.

 I try to imagine that everything is okay

but in reality its not.

I walk around here,

a ghost of myself.

Faking a smile everyday of my life.

I told you I loved you.
I wasn't too far off the mark.

I did feel strongly for you.

I do feel strongly for you.

I don't text you anymore, at all.

I remember waking up

and knowing there 

would be a text from you.

I remember watching my watch.

3:38, 3:39,

and then there you would be.

Like clockwork.

But I won't tell you that i miss that like crazy.

I won't tell you

I miss you.

I won't talk to you.

You try talking to me.

But I'm not going to show you how weak I am.

That I catch my breath when you look at me.

That my heart stops when you laugh.

That I can't stop this feeling.

That I love when you talk to me.

No.

I'll ignore you.

I'll lose your number.

I won't answer when you call my name.

Say hi.

Touch my hair.

Hug me.

I'll pretend it doesn't mean anything to me.

I'll pretend you're a little kid

that isn't important.

Then maybe one day you'll 

start to care about me again.

You'll want me back.

You'll wish it were different.

I hope.

I'll play my little game.

But I'll probably lose.

I've never been the kind to win anything.

Prove It

I may be young. I may not know all there is to know about love, but i promise you i will do my best. I don't know who you really are or what you are capable of. I don't know what makes you tick. As if i could be okay with the fact that I'm alone. And we're both alone together. As if i could just stay this way. As if i could sit straight-faced as every other girl fawns over you. As if.

I don't know that i love you.

I don't know if I'm okay with you wanting me.

I don't know if i should let my guard down,

Since everything went to hell the 

last time i did.

You Make Me Crazier

Oh, boy.

Here we go again.

I smile.

When you smile.

Maybe you don't see it?

Maybe i should be a bit discreet?

But here's the thing.

I'm not the kind to hide my feelings.

My heart is on my sleeve.

I want to show you how i feel. I just don't want you to think I'm a crazy stalker type woman. I want to say, "Hey, I still love you." I want to be like, "Hey, I still feel the same way i did when i was thirteen and saw you for the first time." I want to tell you, "Your blue eyes still make my heart stop." But I'm not going to say any of those things because i don't want to scare you off, again. I don't want to fall again and be hurt again. I don't want any of those things, again. I know i want you. I know i want you to hold me. I know i want to hear you say you love me. I want to believe it. So, now, i want to play it cool and see how you react. See what kind of affect i have on you. I want to see what kind of man you are now, and whether you grew up or not.

Shut Your Mouth, Take A Chance

I want you to know.

This is.

Hard.

To act fine.

You know how it is when you love someone. You know how it is to miss someone even if you never had that person. My whole life rotates around you. And I don't even know if you think of me anymore. I don't know if you even care anymore. Probably not. You know how it is to care for someone who couldn't care less about you. I probably have no sentimental value to you anymore. Hell. I probably have no value to you anymore. I dislike your games. I dislike the way you play with my mind. I know how time flies with you young ones. Everyday is a mystery. A new chance. There's no reason to get so serious when you have so much time ahead of you. Yes. I know. Life goes on. But does it really? Can you miss something that was never yours?

It's hard to let go,

Cause I'm not the type to just give up.

I wish we could go back to the beginning of the year

When we were both happy.

I wish we didn't fight.

I wish you still admired me.

From afar.

Didn't you?

From near.

I know you did.

I pretended to hate it.

I "tried to get away",

I loved every second of it.

I want you to bother me again.

Please annoy me again.

Don't You Know You're Beautiful?

So you got your heart broke.

Tough.

It happens.

I told you so.

She shouldn't be like that towards you.

She should love you.

She should look in your eyes and thank God for you everyday.

I would.

Savannah says i sing good.

I hope so.

I hope you don't know this post is about you.

ihopeyouknowyou're

Perfect.

I hope you know you make me laugh a lot.

I hope you know i get butterflies

when i look at you.



You're Not Sorry

Say you're sorry, 

that face of an angel comes out

just when you need it to.

As i paced back and forth

all this time,

cause i honestly believed in you.

Holding on, the days drag on.

Stupid girl, I should of known,

I should of known..

Life is hilarious.

Well. 

Yeah.

Well.

No.

I can't wait to get out of this stupid town.

Away from these stupid people.

Away from immature,

Stupid boys.

Away from you.

Away from everything.

I'm tired of pretending to be happy.

I'm at my breaking point.

I'm not your princess. This ain't our fairytale.

I'm going to find someone someday who might actually treat me well. 

This is a big world;

That was a small town,

There in my rear-view mirror disappearing now.

&&it's too late for you and your

white horse

To catch me now.

The Struggles Make Me Stronger.

I want to cry and throw a fit until you love me.

Isn't it funny.

Life, i mean.

I miss your smile.

I miss the way you play with my hair.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your hugs.

I miss you saying my name.

I miss those things you do,

That i now can't stop doing.

I miss you.

I miss your texts.

They came so frequently.

Without me asking.

Oh, they just stopped.

I guess things never stay the same.

Could it be that we have been this way before?

But hold your breath.

I won't live to see another day, i swear it's true.

Because a boy like you is impossible to find,

you're impossible to find.

So, I'll continue to keep my distance.

Hoping that the heat i feel on my back is your stare.

I won't try.

At all.

I just hope.

I pretend to be happy for you.

I mean, i really try.

I know i say i just want you to be happy.

And if you're happy with her then that's all that matters.

But that's not true.

I want you to be happy,

yes,

but with me.

Is that so hard to understand?

"You'll find better love,

Strong as it ever was,

Deep as the river runs,

Warm as the morning sun.

Please remember me."

     

Dodging Glances On The Train

 I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell.

I know right now you can't tell,

but stay a while and 

maybe then

you'll see,

a

difference out of me.

You don't know me.

I'm tired of everyone being all pissy because 

I'm not normal.

I'm sorry i text a lot.

I'm sorry i text you a lot.

I'm sorry i get mad when you don't text me back.

My mother gave me that.

Abandonment issues.

Didn't we have homework for math models?

I hate that my phone doesn't have service.

I hate how everyone is two faced these days.

What are we?

Fourth graders?

Open your eyes lady.

Trust is a valuable thing.

Why are you wasting it on someone who has proved

time and time again that they can't

be trusted?

I wish love was a disease I could spread simply by sneezing on you.

Furthermore, i apologize for any skipping tracks,

it's just the last boy who played me left a couple cracks.

I used to used to used to

but I'm over that.

Cause holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts.

So I'm sure you know that the way she treats you isn't the way you want to be treated.

What you don't know is that the way i would treat you

would be the way you would want to be treated.

I've been called crazy.

I've been called a lot of things.

I like you like this.

A lot.

Thank God For Friends

Maybe I just want to rest.

Timing is everything.
I just want to rest.

Is it too much to ask to make you notice me?

Is it too much work?

Can I please just rest.

I hope with all my heart that

When I'm not watching you,

You're stealing glances my way.

I pray.

But, I'm almost completely sure you don't.

I should be practicing piano.

I should be learning chords.

But i can't focus on music

When you're the only thing running through my mind.

I should be doing homework.

I should be learning meters.

I believe my poetry is fine, though.

I could write and write and write the longest poem for you.

But it wouldn't express how i feel.

Hundreds of hyperbolas.

Millions of metaphors.

No, no, no.

They would do no good.

Iloveyou.

Just kidding.

Am i?

Tell you're girlfriend to stop being mean to people.

I'm friends with everyone, everyone that is not her.

Thank God for friends.

They help you through anything and everything.

Yeah, yeah! This is my Angel!