Sunday, December 25, 2011

Some Day I Will

So.
2011 is almost over.
My plans?
Day-dream through the rest of my junior year.
Get my license; 
Get my car.
Take my SAT in the Spring.
Start my senior year.
Apply for colleges.
Get accepted somewhere.
Preferably Tarleton.
Finish my senior year, swiftly. 
Cry at graduation.
Because I've grown up with these people.
My brothers; My sisters.
Pack up. Leave.
Live with Miranda until we kill each other.
This is actually happening.
All those times I thought i would never make it.
Well, i made it.
It's almost over. My life is about to begin.
Where did 2001-2010 go?
Do i regret anything?
Yes, and no.
All those events have made me into the person i am.
I've learned a lot.
Some things the hard way.
I don't wish it on anyone.
I just know now what is and what isn't real.
I know now what it takes in life.
I know now that not all people can be trusted.
I know there's a fine line between love and hate.
Friends turn into enemies.
The love of your life turns into your greatest mistake.
But when one door closes,
Another one opens.
They call us love. And they're right.

In remembrance of 2011.











Monday, December 19, 2011

While He's Still Around


"Last night i heard my own heart beating, it sounded like footsteps on my stairs.Six months gone and I'm still reaching, even though i know you're not there."

What can i say? After all this time, i still miss you. I miss you. Yeah. A long time has passed hasn't it. I remember how it was. Everyone was laughing at us. Only because nothing like that had happened to them yet. We had. Something. Hard to reminisce. I've come to the conclusion that I've been waiting for you. Waiting. For you. To realize that you miss me. I know that we could work it out somehow. If you were here. If you didn't ignore my texts. If you didn't look at me with such hate. If you loved me, still, like you said you did before. When we were children. When we knew everything.


 Don't think i don't wonder 'bout what could have been, should have been all worked out.
I know what i felt and i know what i said. 
But don't think i don't think about it.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Winter Just Wasn't My Season

I type as if I'm playing piano. Think as if I'm singing. Write blogs as if I'm writing a song. For the world to sing. To understand this. The Human Condition. What we were, are, and always will be. Jealousy, Hatred, Hurt, Happiness, Love. We grasp onto something that we don't want, only because we think we can't get better. When really there are so many things better than what we have in our hands. Reaching for us. We just can't see. Maybe others see. They surely see. But this thing, this unhappiness that we grip, keeps us blind-folded. So many things we need to learn. We're too young to commit to something that has an ever changing mind. Too young to believe that what we cradle is the world, yet, just a grain of sand. There's a big, big world after high school. Just breathe. 

"And i feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud.
And I know that you'll use them, 
however you want to."



Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Everyday You Save My Life

"There's an old story. I don't know if it's true, but it goes like this.
Penguins mate for life. And there's a moment when some boy penguin is looking 
over that infinite expanse of black and white when one female penguin stands out. 
And he stands out to her. And then, well, that's it. 
Of all the penguins, these two are now together for life."




If such love exists. One for eternity. Fate. No second guessing. Love at first sight. Then, maybe, there's hope yet.

Maybe, just maybe, you're my penguin

Friday, December 9, 2011

It's Like This


It's a constant struggle. 
Everyday. 
Waking up.
Pretending to be something I'm not.
Today.
Today was the day I realized how
Truly unhappy I am.
How much I would rather be someone else.
Anyone else.
But I'm me.
And I hate it.
I hated how lazy I was being.
Getting fatter.
So I got up and cleaned.
My half of the room.
Sister's half.
Our bedroom
Washed clothes. 
Sat down, and felt empty.
Pitied myself. 

So tell me. How do you go about changing your attitude? How do you fix yourself when you know that how you are acting is hurting other people and you just don't care. How do you get past the childish behavior and grow up enough to make your causes your responsibility. Tell me this. How you get past blaming other people when it so obviously your fault. How do you cross that line between child to adult. How do you? Tell me, I'd really like to know. I'm tired of living the way I am.




Tuesday, December 6, 2011

You're In Ruins


I try not to take life too seriously right now. I mean, I take my future seriously. I'm worried about that, yes. But now? No, sir. There's always something, something to fix any situation. There's always an explanation for something. In a book, in your heart, in your understanding. There's always going to be violence. Kicking, Pushing, Biting. Life is going to go on, no matter what kind of trouble you get yourself in. Life, not necessarily the one you are living, though, will go on. Life is a series of unfortunate events, but in the end, peace is found.

"One of the most difficult things to think about in life is one's regrets. Something will happen to you, and you will do the wrong thing and for years afterward you will wish you had done something different." 
-Lemony Snicket

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I'm A Dreamer


I'm tired of giving my all. All is not enough. Enough is being broken so you can use me. No. Enough is being walked on. No. I do not like enough. Me and you. Our story is done.
Over.
Goodbye.

I'm ready for that new chapter in my life. The one that will teach me to use my brain as my decision maker, other than my heart. I'm ready to stand on my own two feet. Ready to be me.