One Step Closer

Love is a miraculous thing. Even if you can't find it. It finds you. Sometimes it's not returned. Sometimes it's brought upon you unwanted. Sometimes it's hidden. Sometimes the shadow of love slips by unnoticed.

The love of an unborn child.

The love of first sight.

The love for a mother. For a father.

The love of a sister. Of a brother.

Family love.

The love of a best friend.

The love of a stranger.

The unwilling love.

The love that is forbidden.

The love i have for you.

I'll admit that it's hard for me to believe that love exists outside of commonly known admiration. I'll admit that it's hard for me to believe that any two people can stay together forever. I'll admit that I lie when I say I don't love you. Even if it's not the mature love of an adult, I know it's something. I know it's something that isn't returned. I know that I have to be brave for the sake of others. I know I have much responsibility. I know that you take all that weight off my shoulders.

"I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling, don't be afraid.

I have loved you for a thousand years. 

I'll love you for a thousand more."

Spotlight On The Lake

So.

I'm not really sure what to talk about today.

I just knew i needed to blog about something,

anything. Since i haven't.

 In forever.

So I'm very contempt with life right now. Boys are stupid. Always will be. Love doesn't exist. It never will. Yeah, optimism.

Who cares? Not me. I don't want anyone. I hate everyone, remember? I'm rude to everyone. I'm a fool. You're just as well.

When you see my face i hope it gives you hell.

I Promise To

I don't understand.

The thing about admiration is this: sometimes it's a one way road. Sometimes you can be completely above the clouds while the other person is still skipping on sidewalks. Lost in someone else's eyes. Oblivious. Or maybe they're aware but they just don't give a crap. I suspect the latter. 

So I guess I do understand.

Hear The Words I Need You To

Nothing's gonna change.

You're still the same.

Two different people.

One for me.

One for her.

More for her.

_

I want to sing a concert.

I want you front row, center.

So you'll hear all the songs i think of

When i think of you.

_

I want you to look at me.

Feel what i feel.

Listen to my heart.

Hurt like i hurt.

_

Call me a child.

Call me crazy.

Call me whatever you need to.

To make you feel better.

_

God knows you have no idea what you're doing.

Get out of this town.

Start your life.

Leave mine alone.

_ 

I hope you find it.

What you're looking for.

I hope it's everything you dreamed your life would be,

And so much more.

And i hope you're happy.

Wherever you are.

_

I wanted you to know that.

And nothing's gonna change that.

I hope you find it.

_

Your Best To Avoid Me

Every thing's cool, yeah.

It's all gonna be okay, yeah.

And i know,

Maybe I'll even laugh about it someday.

But not today, no.

I'm not going to lie. It hurts.

It hurts a lot.

 I try to imagine that everything is okay

but in reality its not.

I walk around here,

a ghost of myself.

Faking a smile everyday of my life.

I told you I loved you.
I wasn't too far off the mark.

I did feel strongly for you.

I do feel strongly for you.

I don't text you anymore, at all.

I remember waking up

and knowing there 

would be a text from you.

I remember watching my watch.

3:38, 3:39,

and then there you would be.

Like clockwork.

But I won't tell you that i miss that like crazy.

I won't tell you

I miss you.

I won't talk to you.

You try talking to me.

But I'm not going to show you how weak I am.

That I catch my breath when you look at me.

That my heart stops when you laugh.

That I can't stop this feeling.

That I love when you talk to me.

No.

I'll ignore you.

I'll lose your number.

I won't answer when you call my name.

Say hi.

Touch my hair.

Hug me.

I'll pretend it doesn't mean anything to me.

I'll pretend you're a little kid

that isn't important.

Then maybe one day you'll 

start to care about me again.

You'll want me back.

You'll wish it were different.

I hope.

I'll play my little game.

But I'll probably lose.

I've never been the kind to win anything.

Prove It

I may be young. I may not know all there is to know about love, but i promise you i will do my best. I don't know who you really are or what you are capable of. I don't know what makes you tick. As if i could be okay with the fact that I'm alone. And we're both alone together. As if i could just stay this way. As if i could sit straight-faced as every other girl fawns over you. As if.

I don't know that i love you.

I don't know if I'm okay with you wanting me.

I don't know if i should let my guard down,

Since everything went to hell the 

last time i did.

You Make Me Crazier

Oh, boy.

Here we go again.

I smile.

When you smile.

Maybe you don't see it?

Maybe i should be a bit discreet?

But here's the thing.

I'm not the kind to hide my feelings.

My heart is on my sleeve.

I want to show you how i feel. I just don't want you to think I'm a crazy stalker type woman. I want to say, "Hey, I still love you." I want to be like, "Hey, I still feel the same way i did when i was thirteen and saw you for the first time." I want to tell you, "Your blue eyes still make my heart stop." But I'm not going to say any of those things because i don't want to scare you off, again. I don't want to fall again and be hurt again. I don't want any of those things, again. I know i want you. I know i want you to hold me. I know i want to hear you say you love me. I want to believe it. So, now, i want to play it cool and see how you react. See what kind of affect i have on you. I want to see what kind of man you are now, and whether you grew up or not.

Shut Your Mouth, Take A Chance

I want you to know.

This is.

Hard.

To act fine.

You know how it is when you love someone. You know how it is to miss someone even if you never had that person. My whole life rotates around you. And I don't even know if you think of me anymore. I don't know if you even care anymore. Probably not. You know how it is to care for someone who couldn't care less about you. I probably have no sentimental value to you anymore. Hell. I probably have no value to you anymore. I dislike your games. I dislike the way you play with my mind. I know how time flies with you young ones. Everyday is a mystery. A new chance. There's no reason to get so serious when you have so much time ahead of you. Yes. I know. Life goes on. But does it really? Can you miss something that was never yours?

It's hard to let go,

Cause I'm not the type to just give up.

I wish we could go back to the beginning of the year

When we were both happy.

I wish we didn't fight.

I wish you still admired me.

From afar.

Didn't you?

From near.

I know you did.

I pretended to hate it.

I "tried to get away",

I loved every second of it.

I want you to bother me again.

Please annoy me again.